Seaching for the answer to the eternal question y?

bo liaoz

2007-02-05T17:33:00.000+08:00

Sianz...
Sianz...
Sianz...

Study, study, study.
Stupid exams after holidays... sianz...

not even shiok as a break...

what's life ??

2006-06-20T16:16:00.000+08:00

I thought about what people might say when they read my blog... "wah lau, u never update your blog one...", "FINALLY, another blog...", "his blog? he got blog meh?" etc... but then again, who cares, this is sorta my personal space on cyberspace...

i'm bored, and i'm kinda drifting... aimlessly... or rather, i've kinda lost aim...not sure where to go, what to do, why do things???

i was just at the toilet... taking a pee-break from mugging for psychology... then i realized my sucky mood... then i was thinking "hmm... why am i feeling like this? i should be happy~! i mean, afterall, i am going home after the exams, which is in about 1 week's time..."

so i'm supposed to be happy? well, in a sense i am happy to go home. i mean, i do miss home and miss my family and my dogs and friends and all, who wouldn't like to go home? sure, going home makes me happy...but i'd have to come back to this place to study anyway... and that ecstacy is gonna last for a while only...

i hate that feeling...it's almost similar to being on drugs... exactly the same description as coccaine ... "feeling of euphoria shortly after taking drug, which lasts for around 11-15 minutes, followed by a crashing feeling of depression when the brain's supply of dopamine and serotonin is depleted. " kinda sucky isn't it? lifts you up in the air only to crash hard on the ground. what goes up must come down.

let's say i don't have to study anymore, no more exams, no more assignments, no more projects... what do i have left? what am i supposed to do? suddenly i'll have time on my hands. so much time that i don't know what to do with it. am i supposed to watch world cup all day and night long? but it happens only like once in four years. am i supposed to eat my favourite food and snacks all day and night? oh puh-leeze, i'm already sick of pizza and tim tams as it is... am i gonna play computer games all day and night? oh come on... they're all the same, choose a side, find an enemy, obliterate your enemy, tidy up your economy, keep the citizens happy, the games are ALL the same. even if you change the skin, change the game, it's still essentially the same old crap... the same idea...

so what really is my life without the studies, without pleasureable events? i'm just an empty shell man... ha...and i scorn at myself. the irony that i created. i am the one with the most theories and ideas about what to do and all, yet i am the one to suffer from my own philosophies. sheesh...

psychology, as a science, has proved that happiness, just as saddness, doesn't last forever. we often overestimate the effects of emotions and underestimate our adaptations to it. well, that's quoted from david.g myers's textbook... and i agree with it... well, binges, catharasis and indulgences don't really give long-term happiness... they seem to work in the short term, but they actually do more harm running in the long term... some satisfaction and long-term happiness does come from restrain and abstinence from indulgences. and with that, happiness as well. but what do i have to abstain from??? well, for a start, i can curb the snacks... but i'm not really eating them anymore...

maybe i need to make a committment? like, run a project? learn a new skill? make new friends? take out the trash? cook a good meal? make meaningfull use of my time? hmm... sometimes it seems that time is so limited...24 hours a day ain't enough man... but when u really prioritise, seems that 24 hours a day is...hmm... too much?? nah, it's not too much...it's more of, reluctance to do stuff...

so then, what really is life? what really is MY life? am i going to be selfish and work hard to earn more money for material comfort? am i going to revolved around myself and make my decisions about myself? learn a new skill for my own pleasure? or shall i be a saint? be selfless and give my time to the community? do charity work, take part in community service? shall i be half selfish and half saint? what shall i do? what's it in for me? what's the final thing to take back? what's the aim in doing so? why?

questions that needs answers, and answers that no one can bring except myself. answers that when answered, determine my self-realization and satisfaction. but is my answers gonna affect others? u betcha it's gonna. hmm... some people might be happy with it, some might not. some will agree with me, some will disagree.

i think the bottom line is to live life to your own views. live it the way you want to. it might sound egoistic and selfish. well, it does doesn't it? a healthy dose of ego doesn't hurt anybody. but don't take it literally man... cos overdoses can kill... i mean, think about it. even the buddha had to have some ego as well. if he was easily swayed by people, he would've gone back to the palace to "enjoy" his life and not gain enlightenment right? sure, let the word debate begin and say that he wasn't "ego", he was "determined" and whatever microsoft word's thesaraus could paraphrase it. you get the point of the "ego" that i put forward... (sad to say, but this kinda meaningless word debate seems to carry the main point away, and this kinda debate DOES come up when i'm talkin to some people... sigh)

guess people, well, at least ME, are easily DIScontented. ideas change, goals change and suddenly they're left unsatisfied again... and the body and mind go about seraching to satisfy that thirst and desire. thereby creating a trail of aftermath. much like a car swerving out of control leaves a trail of burnt marks on the road. if the desire is good, is beneficial to people, the "aftermath" is actually the flowers blooming from the trail of seeding, and people are happy. if the desire is selfish, but the actions are neutral, the aftermath is really just a tire burn mark, no smell, no nothing. worst of all, if the desire is selfish AND the action is BAD, then the aftermath is ugly. people get hurt, things get destroyed etc...

so what then is LIFE? the simple 4 letter word that philosophers of all ages have difficulty defining? i'd be foolish to try to define what philosophers of ages cannot define exactly. but i'm pretty sure that it really is in the eyes of the beholder. the same 4 letter word that has made hippies, yuppies, druggies, presidents, workers, nerds, academics, brokers, accountants, doctors, nurses, nuns, monks, teachers, tennis players, soccer players, terrorists, housewives, technicians, you name it.

MY LIFE? well, i haven't quite figured out what i want yet, or rather, what i'd die without regretting. haha...that's a simple way to define it. what it's NOT. meaning, what i'd die without regretting. hmm... i don't know... i'm kinda drifting at the moment, and a bit caught up in exam preparations. i'm not full sure what i want my life to be, but i don't need to be a genius to realize to prep well for my exams first. :) and yeah, knowing impermanence, i'd really appreciate it if i'll be alright until i figure it out, even for the moment. cool...at least that sorted out for now...

oh well, back to me studies.

A liberating moment

2005-10-30T17:30:00.000+08:00

Thought about something, better blog it down before I forget about it.

Some days back, I was kinda upset and a bit frustrated about a friend of mine. I have been trying very hard to help solve her problems, but the problems just seem to keep coming back. To top that, she seems to be a bit, well, stubborn, not really willing to listen to advise, or perhaps just too confused to take the next step, or maybe even frightful of making another mistake and so reluctant to change. I kept brain-storming of things to tell her, to give her good advice, and also how to tell her in a way that she might listen. It just seems so hard.

I was the one getting frustrated, and I sorta wondered why? I mean, she was the one with the problems, and here I am getting upset together with her. It doesn't make sense when you take a step back and look at the whole issue from an observer's view. I was at my own wit's end as to what's going on with both myself and her, then it seemed clear to me after I attended a talk.

This talk was by a psychologist. She was a Buddhist and the talk was about Buddhist thinkings in psychology. My take on it was the incorportaions of Buddhist thinkings into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). She gave an analogy of mountains and rivers, which was in itself a Zen teaching. There are 3 levels of understanding of the mountains and rivers (I hope I'm not infringing any copyrights~! But then I suppose Zen teachings are free to share yah~!?) The first level is essentially "mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers". The second level is "mountains cesaesto be mountains and rivers ceases to be rivers". The third one is "mountains are again mountains and rivers are again rivers". Sounds like a ~duh?! teaching doesn't it? Well, for those who have never come into contact with Zen, that's the way it is, you need to think and deeply understand to appreciate the meaning.

Anyways, back the the teaching. At the first level, mountains are mountains and rivers and rivers because we see them differently from us. There is a "me" and there's "mountains", "rivers", "you", "him", "her", "table", "dog", "cat" and so on. There is this clear distinction between objects. The second level has some understanding into the nature of things and the interdependence of things. Such as, rivers flow down mountains, tables are made from wood, a dog chases a cat. There is this inter-relation of things and everything is connected. Mountains are not mountains because they are the shoulders on which river flows. Suddenly, everyone is a saint because they are your teachers and students, everyone is equal. The third level is when we realize things are DISTINCT, but nevertheless inter-related. So, mountains are once again mountains, they are part of something big in the picture of nature, they help rivers flow, but nevertheless, they are uniquely mountains, and not anything else.

So what does all this have to do with what I thought was liberating? Well, I was so caught up in helping this friend. I wanted to help her, I craved to help her, I NEEDED to help her. Do you realize that what I just typed all started with "I"? That's the key and the point behind the Zen teaching. I was at the first level, maybe somewhere in the second as well. The point is, I was desperately trying to redeem myself, to justify myself, to make myself feel better that "I am the better one, and I should be helping her". And yep, there's still the "me" and "you" difference. Maybe I was somewhere in the second level. I am interconnected with another person, and I can do something about it, so I was trying to help her solve her problems. See the link? But what I missed out was this, and is the thrid level of understanding. That she is unique, and I am unique. We are nonetheless connected, but we're still unique. Breaking that down, she has her own needs and own pace. She has her own problems and own solutions. She has her own ideas and views. I have my own cookies and cream and opps...hungry... As much as I am connected to her, I cannot change her the way I want to. And there is no room to justify myself in doing what I thought was helping her, because she is unique in her own way. As much as a river flows along a mountain, a river is just still a simple river. Simple yet marvelous teaching isn't it?

So when I think of it, I realized that as much as I want to help, I cannot force her to think like I do. There is only so much I can do, and getting worked up or frustrated in not seeing any effect basically stems from my anger over why "MY ACTIONS" are ineffective, because "I" cannot help. The liberating moment comes when I've realized I've done what I can, and the rest is up to her. I do not need to justify myself anymore, I no longer need to see mountains as mountains and river flowing along mountains. I've understood that we are interconnected, but not the same. Not every action requires a reaction. Liberated. So now it's back to studies again~! aaaahhh!!! haha...

FOOD~!

2005-10-19T11:20:00.000+08:00

This term, my assignment was actually to undertake a diet. This diet must be targetted for a health condition, say for example diabetes, obesity, renal dysfunctions, cancer. I chose the one for cancer. The diet is to last for one week and I'm supposed to document all the food I ate and some other recordings.

So I went shooping for the kinds of food that a cancer patient would be taking. Basically, it's substituting the staples with wholemeal instead of refined versions, such as changing from normal, refined, polished rice to wholemeal brown rice, similar for pasta. I must admit I was quite shocked to see BROWN pasta, as in it's made from wholemeal wheat (makes me wonder what've I been doing whenever I go shopping...). But that takes care of the carbohydrates only, and there's still the protein, fats, vitamins, and minerals. Vitamins and minerals are easy, they're usually found in trace amounts in a huge variety of foods that we eat. Proteins and fats? That's a bit more tricky. I had to get proteins from non-animal origins, (yes, that means not even from milk or cheese. Well, cancer patients don't really need to go on no-milk, no-cheese diets, but since this assignment is only for a week, I might as well be super thorough about it~!) The answer? SOY SUBSTITUES~! Toufu is always a good one to start with, and coming from an Asian background, toufu really isn't such a hard food to accept and replace meat with. But that's only one source of protein, and it's always advisable to eat a huge range of foods so we won't suffer from certain deficiencies. So, the result is mixed, assorted nuts. Since they're high on oils, that takes care of the fat substitution part as well. Plenty of mono- and poly-unsaturated fats, with minial saturated fats. Good for HDL promotion.

Then I was thinking was I was going to eat for 3 meals. Breakfast is easy, with muesli, wholemeal oats or cereals with soy milk (substituted for dairy milk). Dinner would be wholemeal pasta or brown rice with vegetable soup (potato, sweet potato, green leafy veg, tomato, onions, mushrooms, toufu, seaweed). Not difficult to make at all. What about lunch? I can't cook in the afternoons, so I'll have to find something easy to pack. Sandwiches are the best option. Hmm...to have a filling yet healthy lunch... wholemeal bread is good, but what about the filling? I can't eat plain wholemeal bread...that's not nutritious enough. I need soy substitutes for butter/margarine. Viola~! Guess what I found~! SOY BUTTER~! Made from soy beans, canola oil and some other soy products. AMAZING~! Or rather I've never paid attention (opps...hehe). But that won't do. I need more stuff. Prescribing wholemeal bread and soy butter alone isn't going to work for a cancer patient. So, (curtain-call) here comes the veg~! We have, always featured in sandwiches, tomato, lettuce. I found myself picking up a bunch of beetroot (purple coloured rooted vegetable). Hmm... I wonder how it'll taste. Besides, I have a box of nuts, so it'll be quite sufficient now. So I checked out...

*GASP~!* Do you know that "healthy" foods are ssoooooooooooooooooo expensive~?! For the same amount of food that would last me a week, compared to normal diets of refined rice, pasta, milk, butter, I paid about 2 times more~! Healthy wholemeal muesli is about twice as expensive as normal cereals, that bottle of soy butter was smaller than a container of butter, but cost the same. Soy milk was about 2 times more expensive than milk (well... Milk in Australia is kinda cheap really...so...). Then a thought dawned on me.

Why is it that health foods are so expensive? Our ancerstors were eating off these kinda foods when they were farmers during poorer times. Needless to say, their health conditions were so much better than the average person today. Processed foods rage the aisle, jams, peanut butter, assorted fruits canned in thick syrup, pickled foods stored in huge amounts of vinegar or salt, sugar rich candies, cookies, cream, chocolates lining every corner of the aisles. The rice we buy don't resemble the ones we see in the field at all. Even meat, stuffed in weird shapes, circular, salami, tastes salty, sweet?? (Haven't bought meat in a long time...) Cute little containers of yogurt, creams, cheese, butter, chocolate flavoured milk, vanilla flavoured yogurt, strawberry tarts, frosted doughnuts, ready made meat pies, microwaveable lagsanas. All of them are heavily processed, added with heaps of sugar, preservatives, salt, fats. Yet these are the kind of foods we're eating everyday. Everything comes in cans and funny shapes, meaning they've all been processed and treated. How much of "natural" components does "nature foods" contain?? Hmm.... I wonder. But still, health foods are getting more expensive.

Doesn't this deprive people of eating healthily? How come we're placing so much emphasis on money, such that health is compromised? So in today's society, does money=health? So, no money, no health? Kinda unfair when it's boiled down to a science isn't it? Cheap food is now sugary, carbo-rich, low nutrient food. Perfect example--> Fast food. Burgers, fries, who needs so much oil and so much sugar anyway? Yet they are the cheapest foods you can find in Australia. So when you have a budget, and you want to get full? Where can you go? Fast food restaurants. Sad...really really sad... That means that some people with the intention to eat healthily may be limited by monetary issues. Yet these kinda foods ain't supposed to be expensive. The fact that I mentioned our ancestors ate them when they're poor means that these foods used to be cheap. I remember my mum telling me that when she was young, all the coarse grains, malt etc were fed to pigs while they ate polished rice. Makes sense then when understanding of nutrients ain't great back then... Now that we know about it, why is it still so bad? Money-making companies still want to hog on this fact and produce healthy, expensive foods. Great, just great. Our preventable health issue of foods now lie in the hands of money-making giants.

How did we end up like this? Doesn't make much sense when you look at it simply eh?

Giving, make it a habit...

2005-08-14T16:57:00.000+08:00

I felt something pretty nice today... it was a kind of inner joy that can't really be expressed...

2 days ago, I learnt about this idea of 10 perfections. They're basically some buddhist teachings, and one of them is actually giving. Giving in any sense. Giving money, help, time. We find it easy to give to our loved ones, less easy to our friends, even less easy to acquintances, least of all to strangers.

I learnt that the highest giving is to give something we find difficult to part with. Today, that thing was time. I was quite reluctant to wake up early (especially in the winter~! jesh, it freezing in the morning...), quite reluctant to spend time at helping out with making props for a performance, least reluctant to rush myself for research for assignment. With careful calculation, I can still make it for my research, so that leaves me my willingness to part with my free time today.

In the end, I spent a whooping 6 hours at making props (Probably doesn't sound impressive to some people, thought it was pretty impressive for myself~!) That was my giving. I was able to part with something as precious as my time. Limited time. When I came home, I felt a sense of happiness.

Hhmm... when you really are able to give up that thing you hold so precious (for a good cause I hope~!), you learn to free yourself from attachment to things. You feel free, and naturally happy...

I'm pissed...

2005-08-02T18:27:00.000+08:00

Ever have one of those days when you feel you're the king of the world?

Well, what if some hot shot came along and overtook you everything you did?

And just when you say he's a snobbish know-it-all, he turns around with his best smile and says "let's work hard together~! We're a team remember?!"

That totally defeats me. He's smart, intelligent, diligent, humble, versatile, sporty. Everything. I'm glad he isn't my enemy in my love life yet, or that will really drive me up the wall... worse, THROUGH the wall. (*BISH~~!*)

He is my friend, my good friend. We study together, eat together, have fun together. But he is always ahead of me. Without a Bio background, he knows more stuff than I do. Even if he doesn't, his versatility and intelligence allows him to catch up and surpass me anytime. Always full of interesting things to say, he never runs out of a topic to talk about... and the topics never gets dry. An avid tennis player, his sport skills outrun me anytime as well. He is always sure of himself and what to do next, and he is way ahead of me in planning as well...

*Sigh*... I know he isn't perfect, and even if he is, it doesn't matter to me...

And I know that I should really wish him the best and in this crazy rat-race we will all face in the future, I shouldn't in any way hold him back. I also know it's pretty stupid to feel this, but I guess I'm only human. I've tried so hard to let it go, but I can't help feeling really envious and jealous of him... It's just "HIM". We're just so similar yet so different. That's what makes me feel worse...

As a buddhist, I really should learn to let go. Let go of that jealousy, accept the difference between us, and give him my good wishes...

Human, only human... darn... really jealous of him...

Guess I still have much to learn, and no point being jealous eh? Just have to work hard and give it all I can...

A sucky day

2005-07-25T20:34:00.000+08:00

Sigh...

I just formatted my computer today...

I spent the whole afternoon just reinstalling the necessary programs that I need to use...man...

On top of that, the computer feels weird...it doesn't seem to be responding like it used to. Furthermore, the bloody language bar won't appear~~! Now I can't type Chinese characters~~! boo hoo~~!

Oh well...might as well sleep to make myself feel better...

The journey of self discovery

2005-07-23T15:06:00.000+08:00

Everyone has that moment when they feel they know themselves better. Some quite, personal moment, without interuptions to their thoughts, that inner self speaking his thoughts. Did you experience this?

I kinda realized mine when I'm in Sydney. I touched down at Sydnet airport this morning at 9.50am. Dragging that mindless body of mine, I got a cab, hauled my 32.4kg luggage back into my apartment, and like a pre-programmed machine, I went out to the stores and bought food. As I was walking, the place looked familiar yet distant. I know the streets, I know that tree in the corner, I know that uneven slope and that narrow shortcut path. I know exactly where in the world I am. But what the eyes see, the mind doesn't register. I find myself describing myself, just like in story books "... he walked, like a machine. His mind and body, for that moment, were seperate entities. His legs carried him forward, but his gaze was lost in the air. His eyes looked distant, as if staring out at a land miles and miles away..."

I trudged to get some food to stock up in my cupboard. Empty cupboards in a foreign land looks scary.

Later, I went for a run. Well...it was 60walk, 40run... (I'm tired~~! what did you expect?!) As I was walking back, my mind raced itself into a whirl. It jumped back 20 years, when I was born, a puny little speck of life. It then progressed in 5 years, standing up, learning, then secondary school, JC, now. It raced forward, looking into the future. Where am I in the future? Then to people. My dad, my mum, my sister, my milo, my kopi, then my friends. My JC friends. Then to the girls I've had crushes on... Just like that, back and forth, to and fro, past and future, people I've liked and disliked... I was lost...

The sound of ducks quacking and splashing of water as one duck raced the other brought me back to now. I was walking along the park's pathway towards the exit. Suddenly I had this idea. Could it be the absence of all my friends, of all the stress, the noise, the hectic lifestyle, the crazy rat race? 3 thousand-odd miles away from the land I came from is another world I am walking and breathing and trying to find a future in... The peace and quiet of the park seemed to amplify the voice in my head. I could hear myself...

I didn't gain enlightenment or anything from that peaceful moment, but I did had that sense of discovering myself. And I hope that my family and my dear friends could find a peaceful moment in their everyday life to find themselves... I'm really scared that the crazy race out there will kill their sanity one day. Work, home and more work...it never ends...

Haha... now that I've written down my thougths, I realized they sound so solemn and serious...haha... guess i'm just kinda tired from my flight, and sad that my holidays are ending...
and as my friend reminded me again: well...since you don't have a choice, then embrace it and live with it...let go that fighting against the impossible...haha

hope all of you have a nice day~~!

Immature

2005-07-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

I just learnt something today... well, not exactly learnt, but felt something I've learnt about pretty deeply...

I just got jealous over someone...

I thought I was over it a long time ago, and I left for Sydney for studies, where all these issues were behind me. I was wrong. Dead wrong. I've been attending Buddhist classes when I was in Sydney, and I've learnt about some monks who went into retreat. Some thought they were enlightened, and they were so happy about it... so they came out from their retreat and they realised they were dead wrong when their masters said something insulting to them. Guess what their response was? Yep, they blew their top off...absolutely went berserk... People who are enlightened are not affected by insults...they have gone beyond the "self".

I thought I was over it. I thought I was over emotional problems. I thought I had outgrown it, was mature enough to handle it and let it go as such. I guess I was wrong. Dead wrong.
The mention of the name, the thought of her and something crops up. Something bitter, something sour. The name of it: jealousy. I can't even believe myself... I thought I was pretty cool and calm and had a certain degree of control over my own emotions. But I was jealous, and I let it get to my head. Not that I killed someone or anything, but it did made me feel unhappy for a while.

Guess I'm still immature. Grow up man...grow up...

A wish...

2005-06-29T16:04:00.000+08:00

If you had a wish, what would you wish for?

Among the many things that I wish I could become or wish I could have... in all realism, I guess, my best wish would be to die peacefully...

Weird isn't it? Something with so much hope in it and I wish for a peaceful death...

I went for clinical session today, it's a routine thing, we have these kind of lessons once a fornight. Our topic was on skin lesions and ulcers. We went to the wards to take a look at some patients. There was a man, who had an enormous post-surgical wound on his chest. He had a full gasterectomy, and his wound was from the line of the nipples to about 1cm below the end of the sternum nearer the abdomen. That man was thin and scrawny. He had to be on drip for fluids and nutrients as well. Considering his age and lifestlye (alcoholic and chronic smoker), our tutor said it'll be interesting to watch how he progresses (in a medical sense of course...).

Another lady had a full periractomy, which the whole internal lining of the peritoneum was removed. She too had a big wound.

I thought about how it was like to be lying there, with so many tubes plugged into me, have some of my body parts removed, not able to move freely, not able to enjoy even the simplest enjoyments such as a candy bar. Imagine those things taken away from you. How does it feel?

Sickness is real. As real as that strain in your legs when you do too many knee-benders. When we get old, it only gets worse. You go into hospitals, and get treated, with no idea how long that treatment would go, how good it'll get. You only hope it gets better.. Uncertainty, fear, mortality...

Kinds of make me think that a peaceful death is really more than a luxury... what do you think?

The silence before the storm

2005-06-19T09:48:00.000+08:00

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Assignments and projects 2 days ago. That part of the storm is over. Now comes the big one. Exams.

No emails, no unimail, no new messages on the course message board, no phonecalls, no msn messages. The whole world seemed to come to a halt. Nothing is moving. Even my flatmates are gone...

Here comes the silence before the storm. The tension, the thin air, that asphyxiating sensation.

Here comes the storm.

至“最”的一天

2005-06-15T11:26:00.000+08:00

淩晨一點，方才入眠。爲何？因爲隊友在昨夜的十一點半才將文件傳給我。早上便要表現給同班同學了。我的隊友，你到底在想設麽呢？

早上的第一個逆境：睡不夠。精神不好。不開心。爲何？因爲我的隊友不守時。
第二個逆境：另一組的表現是在太好了。承托出我們的狼狽。爲何？因爲隊友不守時，無法早點完成，並無法一同進行修改，因此素質不能提升。
第三逆境：誤解了同學，弄錯時間表，無法加入別人的實驗課程。失望了。
第四逆境：回家途中，竟會沾到鳥屎。待會兒還要去醫院上課。

但是，同學的一句話讓這天成爲最快樂的一天。他說：“哇，這是我來悉尼看過最好看的一部戯。”

哈哈。。。在逆境之中，還能讓令另一個人開心，是一件美好的事情。

至“最”的一天，可以是快樂，也可以是難過的。

模糊

2005-04-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

來到悉尼都已經有快要兩個月了。不願發生的事也已經發生了。當初千不捨，万不捨的，現在，也只不過是個回憶罷了。人都已經在悉尼了，感覺上也好像已經習慣了。但是卻恰好相反。人是在悉尼了沒錯。但是心卻不知道在哪裏。在新加坡嗎？也許吧。透過網上電眼可以看到家裏的客廳。感覺上就仿佛在家裏面了。但是，看到的傢是多麽熟悉，卻有點陌生。感覺好像不一樣。看到了沙發，但是卻感受不到回憶裏的柔軟。看到家裏的愛犬，卻感覺不到它們的溫暖。回想起來，難道我的心在悉尼嗎？做事情時，漫不經心，根本提不起勁。完全是被動的。

每天的日子，好像是應酬式的過去。沒有目標，沒有方向。好迷茫。。。好惆悵。。。好。。。模糊。。。

我了解這是非常正常的。這只是一個過渡期。從沒離開過傢，完全鬆懈的情況下，突然到七千公里以外的西方國家，要安定下來，要從頭再來，要按下心來念書，途中難免會有些困難。

此時的我，正是離不開傢，但人以在此。人以在此，卻心不隨身。心不隨身，則以盲目，失落，迷茫。

媽說的沒錯。真正感覺到辛苦，是離開以後的第六個星期左右。完全正確。

安心吧。快努力念書吧。

通過運動，才能發現現實。。。

2005-03-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

我一向來都習慣用想象力來面對這個世界。所以很多事情我都認爲很容易。然而現實卻不永遠都是一帆風順。儅事情都順順利利的進行，沒踫到挫折，我很容易就把事情當作是理所當然。理所當然后，很容易就變得高傲。我想我已陷入則各困境。

那天去跑步時，我跑了一下就感覺到累了。就是那時，我體會到現實是如此具體。身體的疼痛，疲憊，氣喘，都讓我深深體會到我是如此軟弱，和我想象得很不一樣。我這些日子裏都一直生活在一個不踏實的夢境裏。通過那天的運動，才提醒我自己：“我還是一個人，我還是有夢想，還是有事情得做。我不能就此進入夢境，享福，我還得繼續努力，創出一片天空。”

Away from home...

2005-02-23T14:29:00.000+08:00

Hai....being away from home has never been so unbearable before...

I was on that flight, SQ 221, 2 hours before that flight, I was with my whole family and some cousins...then friends came, soon kok, teng yong, luyi... 1 hour before that flight, into the boarding gate... 30 mins before the flight, waiting blankly and trying to make sense of what's going on...take-off...nightfall....

i thought about so much...why am I on this flight? can't I just stay in Singapore? emotions suddenly flowed in... why didn't I just try harder and get into NUS medicine? .... just lost...

landing...check-out...registering with UNSW's counter...brought to my temporary accomodation...finally...a resting place...

I sat on the bed...it's 9am local time. I'm hungry, tired, and things are so expensive...suddenly felt so helpless....home...so homesick...yep...i broke down... just sat on the bed and tears flowed down my cheek...i tried to hold it back...but it got worse...i just let go...and nirvada falls never felt that good...

suddenly, i felt better... i guess it's better to let it all out...i gathered myself together and wrote all my feelings down on a piece of paper....yep...I felt ssssooooo much better....

I planned my programme...what I'm going to do, where should I go...and set off...I felt good once more. I was doing something useful and they seemed to work out... I opened a bank account, got my student ID card, found out lot's of info about pre-paid phone cards, and my day went on smoothly and fruitfully...

haha... I never thought being away from home was so much fun and difficult at the same time...haha...guess I've learnt a lot and will continue to have fun!!

初四

2005-02-12T23:17:00.000+08:00

Hmm... I just used Chinese text to type my previous blog and now blogspot is using Chinese text to greet me with all the logins and stuff...wonder if anyone has encountered this as well?

Haha...brought my dogs back from pet hotel today...so happy to see them!!! They were equally excited to see me as well...haha...how nice, how sweet. I could see they didn't really enjoyed their stay there...Milo and kopi both slimmed down, and they stull shunned away from the keepers there. One of the bowls still had some dog food when we went to pick them up. Think that Milo still had some doubts about taking food from strangers. Haha...my Milo has character man!! She takes care only of (her) family, other than us, she will check out every one else... haha...guess my friends who came to my house before experienced that... And best of all, she would not take food from strangers...so never think of bribing my Milo!! For Kopi? well...she's a happy-go-lucky kind of dog...doesn't think too much...haha...kind of like that kind of innocence and optimistic character of hers...

Anyway, I think I'm about to fall sick. Ate too much, too heaty... about to come down with a fever I guess...not a good timing, considering my going to Sydney soon.

Haiz....Chinese New year at Penang is always so enjoyable and memorable...It's a time when I meet up with all my cousins from my paternal side. Yep, it's a once a year thing, so it's extra nice. We don't really talk much, what with half of us still studying, some still finding jobs, some just started to work. But it's always fun when we prepare dinner together... always full of jokes and issues to remember for life...

Over there, it's really celebration of Chinese New Year, and there are more traditions to follow. Well, shops close from 初一 all the way to like 初五 or so...maybe even later. You can't even find a shop that opens during this period. Decorations are aplenty. And yes, there's FIREWORKS!!! CAn you believe that?! This year was sooo exciting... firecrackers rang through the night sky everynight from 除夕 to at least 初九。There were fireworks just at our doorstep... so beautiful!!!

Life is simple there. The pace of life is just nice too....haiz....wish I was still there...
Well...let's get ready for Sydney!!!

大家，學業進步！！身體健康！

Boh liao...

2005-02-06T18:43:00.000+08:00

Haha...guess I a bit bo liao...so write a blog, expect it to be quite crappy...

Just bought Jay Chou's " 無以倫比”, wah...quite nice. Especially the song "晴天”, it describes a bit of my feelings. Starting to like his songs. So...cool. I think his lyrics are really good.

Haiz...sent my dogs to the pet hotel today. Almost cried there, so unbearable to leave my dogs there alone...but what to do? When we go back to Malaysia for the Chinese New Year, nobody can take care of them leh... Now my house seems so empty, and quiet... Just when I think I can get used to the quietness, I just think of them and feel a bit sad all over again... But I must remind myself to enjoy the Chinese New Year. Haha...

新年快樂!!! 恭喜發財!! 萬事如意!!! 新想事成!!

踐行會

2005-02-06T01:45:00.000+08:00

今天，我的朋友替我舉行了一個踐行會，在這之後，令我留下了許多感想。。。常言道：天下無不散之宴席，再美好的聚會，也就這樣過去了。。。這麽一別，可能要等到年未才能再相聚了。。。

忽然閒，我感到時間過得太快了。。。一瞬間，我們已經服完兵役了。。。在不久后，我們也要念大學了。。。其實，在兩個星期后的今天，我已經住進澳洲的學生宿舍了。到了那時，我的生活會是則麼樣的呢？我不知道。。。我后個禮拜就飛往澳洲了。現在的心情好亂。

我得收拾包袱，放膽，放心的赴外國留學。不論是心理的，或是背包，都得準備好。我得放得下離開我的家人，和我非常要好的媽媽，給我寶貴指導的姐姐，和我精神支柱的爸爸。我也得放得下離開我那兩只心愛的狗。在外人看來，那不過是只狗罷了，但是在我心裏，它們卻是我的好朋友，甚至是親人。他們從小就被我養大，而且朝暮相伴，感情十分要好。要我這麽一別就去這麽久，我能捨得嗎？咳。。。人還算懂事，但是狗呢？要擇麽向它解釋？看到他那水汪汪的眼睛，我就是百感交集，真想哭出來！！好像讓它明白：“你的主人兼朋友要去讀書了，一年才能回來三個多月，你明白嗎？”

再來，我也得放得下離開一群好朋友。凱威，順囯，聲勇，俊鋒，立仁，來煇（名字弄錯請別見怪）還有好多。。。有這麽多感情的包袱，我放得下嗎？我不知道。。。但是，時間是不等人的。飛機也是。

初次之外，我還得桌好準備工作，我得振噸我的心態，我接下來讀的，是醫科。要做一名醫生，我得放下所有宗族，宗教，性別，富裕，貧窮的歧視。加倍努力，把醫科修好，將來才能好好造福人群。目前的我，還在吊兒郎當。再過不久就開學了。則麽短的時間内，我能把心態轉向我所說出的嗎？即使不行，也得逼到行。所謂時間不留人，我還得加倍努力。不能再優柔寡斷。我的下決心，付出努力，方能成功。

未來是無常的，明天的變化誰也不能預測。讓我們勇敢和從分得利用每一天吧！

順囯，你送給我的禮物太寶貴了。我真的感謝你。讓我祝福你，希望你也能找到你心目中的理想對象。

I got over it

2005-01-20T00:06:00.000+08:00

Today, I got over ...well...a girl that I had been interested in since JC1 (my god...it's been that long?) . I finally gave up chasing after her. I got over her. Haha...quite proud of myself.

I had tried to make contact with her, talk to her, but she just does not respond. So I consulted some of her friends for advice, asking them what's her interests, likes, dislikes, special days, birthdays, and armed with some of this knowledge, I tried to strike a conversation with her again. Hai...sadly, it's still to no avail. She could never talk to me much and is always very busy. Either that, or she does not have much interest in me. I was thinking to myself that uni life is very busy, ( I know that as my sister went through the same shit before) and she would only take time to do things that are meaningful or things she is interested in, wouldn't she? Apparently, those things DO NOT include talking to me... if not, she would have answered my messages promptly right?

Maybe my topics were not of her interest, then I should do more research on the stuff she likes, in hope to get her interested and talking. Since I find that a chore, and my normal topics don't reach out to her...I think it is pretty obvious that we are not meant for each other anyway..!!Haha...should have realized that earlier...sigh...

So here I am, getting over her. I think it is best for me and for her. I don't have to spend time and effort to make something impossible happen, and she doesn't have to spend her time and effort replying me. And this makes me happy and her happy...isn't this better for us both? Besides, seeing her happy also makes me happy...isn't that more enjoyable for us? Haha...

Liking someone does not necessary mean that they have to be together. I rather see her happy and cheerful than lead a sad and unfruitful relationship with someone she doesn't like.

PS. Liking someone and attracted to someone is different. I learnt that today.

ORD loh!!!

2005-01-19T17:07:00.000+08:00

Today is the second last day before I clear my leave. Hmm...time flies doesn't it? It seems like yesterday when I had my botak head spotted all over Singapore, today? I am sporting a fancy haircut and about ready to depart for Sydney for my studies.

Feeling all excited yet quite unwilling. Confusing how I put it right? Well, I am really excited about starting a new life in Sydney, where I practically know nobody there, have nothing set up there, and am ready to create my new world there. Yet at the same time I feel a bit anxious and unwilling. I still cannot imagine leaving my family and my wonderful dogs here while I practically go enjoy my first year there. Well, guess everything begins with the first small step...

Let's go man! One small step to a giant future!!

Time

2005-01-16T18:34:00.000+08:00

I was meeting my friend at Sommerset today and I took the MRT. On the train, I saw this Indian couple with their child. They looked very happy. And I suddenly looked back at myself. Do I want a kid? Am I going to get married?

In the midst of all this thinking, I suddenly asked myself: " Where am I going to be in 10, 20 years time?" All people age. And we face one common doom: death. Then what is the purpose of life? To grow, reproduce, and die? Sounds...awkward when you put it in this manner. Every minute, every second passed by is gone...irreversible. Every breath that I took has gone, and will never come by again. Everything that I did was etched in the fabrics of time, like a fossil. Only it's worse. You cannot see, or taste, or touch it. Time is such an immense force, it moves forward like nobody's business. You cannot stop it or reverse it. No matter how hard you scream, no matter how fast you run, time engulfs the whole universe and brings it forward.

Time. So powerful, so unstoppable.

Our time will run out too. When? 70 years? 60? 10 months? tomorrow? Who know's what's going to happen? And what then? Will we just disintegrate into dust and be forgotten? Will our spirit live on? If we really will be reborn, then when will all this end? Never?

I really do not know, yet I really like to know. Sigh...

People may say I am thinking too much, people may say I am right to ask such a question. What do you say to this? More importantly, what are you going to say when you finally close your eyes for eternity? That yout life has been empty? Or that your life was good? What will you say? Think about this amid all your hustle and bustle, amid all your activities that you think are worth doing, or have you given any thought about it at all? Think about it......

Tsunami

2005-01-12T23:16:00.000+08:00

In the past 2 weeks, my squadron life had been totally committed into the relief missions into the tsunami affected areas. (My squadron is home to the Singapore fleet of C130 Hercules aircraft, and all the loads, equipment, relief packages and people going over to the affected areas have been transported by our aircraft.) And all that I ever do and hear about is related to the tsunami victims.

Sad. Very sad.

How fragile is human life? Very, I believe. One big wave and "wham", everything is gone. It seems that this earthquake which registered about 8 on the ricther scale is already massive, but, hey, take a step back and look at the world map. This is but a speck on the whole world, and this has already taken up so much life and caused so much destruction. And us, mighty humans, can do nothing but moan at the loss so great.

How great are we? Puny, very very puny.

Life is fragile, and all of us have only one life. Yet look at the world, massive wars to civil wars, gang fights to group fights, murders, squabbles.......Unfairness. Some people have so much to do and so much to say, yet they were taken away just so suddenly. Some people rashly throw their lives away to war, to drugs, to meaningless activities.

Sigh. Guess it takes a lot to understand life and live it to the max meaningfully.

To all reading this: Cheers to a fulfilling and enriching life.

21st Birthday party

2005-01-11T03:33:00.000+08:00

21st Birthday, an eventful moment for many people. That's the time when it seems that we have finally reached adulthood when all things are available to us: freedom, dreams, family, friends, love and many more. Heck, it's also the time when we can watch R(A) movies without trouble...

I just attended my JC friend's 21st birthday party. Well, it was quite a grand one I would say. It's the kind that I've seen only in movies. Porsche restaurant, excellent food, very expensive presents,(heck, I even thought she was gonna receive a Porsche car key!!), a lot of family and friends, and a birthday party with a theme? Man... I thought that was something only seen in Western countries. Haha...guess I am too "swa koo" ( mountain tortise: meaning very removed from the world).

Anyway, a lot of my good friends were there, I really had fun catching up with them. But...sadly, somethings never change. Once more, I was the butt of jokes when it was games time... Guess what? I was "volunteered" by the birthday girl (Grace, I'll get you for this!!haha..just joking) to be the "model" of a fashion show. Only to know that it was a crossed-dressed one. Sigh...guess this goes into the list of " many years later think back and laugh jokes".

After the party, we went to chiong at Dbl O... that's the first time I went clubbing. Well, I guess it was pretty fun for my first time. The bunch of friends who went were fun, the music was ok. ( Not to mention that I was totally mesmerized by some of my friend's dance moves). Still, I would have preferred to chill out instead of clubbing... the music was so loud you can't hear your friend speak, the air was so stuffy and smoky that it kind of stank, worst of all, it'll be lucky if you don't get dragged into a fight. I just don't like to go all out and lose control and have total, chaotic, havotic fun. Maybe I would have more fun if I didn't have to wake at 6am that morning to send off a very good friend. pity...

Back home when everything was quiet and I was sober again, I thought: life is passing us by so quickly. It has already been 3 years since we graduated from JC, and I imagine attending some friend's wedding dinner in the next 3 years...WOW!!! We actually got that old to be married!? I'm still living in La La land I guess...Heck, in another one month I have to depart for Sydney for studies...sigh...time really flys...

Hope all things work out just fine and Happy 21st Birthday Grace!!

Technology??

2005-01-11T00:57:00.000+08:00

I was talking to my friend MingTzek who's studying in York just a while ago. He's studying about computers, so he has quite a good mind about latest hard and software. I was just pondering how wonderful it is now we can talk to each other at totally different corners of the world with no extra chagre ( except for internet chagres) with ease, when he joked that we could retire together.

We could help each other out, or could be fighting with our walking sticks. He said: " hmm...it could be very hi-tech in the future, we may not be using walking sticks any more..could be using hi-tech gadgets...wonder how that would be like...?" Well... I would be saying:" Stop broadcasting into my network!! ", " Stop thinking with that machine, it's interferring with my kidney data transmit!!"

Kinda funny when you picture that. Hmm... the future is so full of surprises... Maybe that just might come true? haha...